


not quite james bond

by Siria



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Community: cliche_bingo, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-27
Updated: 2009-06-27
Packaged: 2017-10-03 19:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siria/pseuds/Siria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of the few positive side effects of having been a host was that Vala recovered much more quickly from sedatives and intoxicants than the average human—so by the time Sheppard's foot twitched, Vala's own nausea was long gone and she was sitting up in bed, hair arranged in a manner that was rather fetchingly dishevelled, bodice pulled just a little too low to be considered decent on the vast majority of the worlds she'd ever visited, filing her nails with a calculatedly nonchalant look on her face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not quite james bond

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [cliche_bingo](http://community.livejournal.com/cliche_bingo/) challenge for the prompt 'woke up in bed together'. Thanks to [Jenn](http://dogeared.livejournal.com/) for betaing.

One of the few positive side effects of having been a host was that Vala recovered much more quickly from sedatives and intoxicants than the average human—so by the time Sheppard's foot twitched, Vala's own nausea was long gone and she was sitting up in bed, hair arranged in a manner that was rather fetchingly dishevelled, bodice pulled just a little too low to be considered decent on the vast majority of the worlds she'd ever visited, filing her nails with a calculatedly nonchalant look on her face.

She waited until she heard him groan, and saw that dreadful mop of hair of his start to inch its way out from beneath the bed clothes, before saying, "Good morning, darling," in her most cheerful voice.

One hazel eye opened and closed, and then the other. "Vala?" Sheppard croaked, in a voice which sounded even less mellifluous than normal; Isyllian brandy really did seem to have the most terrible effect on all aspects of his central nervous system. Worth noting, she thought, for future reference. "What the hell did—where are—did you _drug_ me?"

Vala grinned at him, making sure to show all her teeth. "I'll just take the friendly morning greeting for granted and extrapolate the full questions from that interesting statement, shall I? You and I went undercover in this galaxy's finest gambling establishment slash house of negotiable virtue, I gathered information with my usual flair while you... well, I hesitate to say that you got _overly invested_ in the role, but I do think Cameron would refer to it as 'method acting'—"

"Oh my god," Sheppard said, covering his eyes with his hands for a moment, and then peering at the smudges on his palms when he pulled them away.

"Yes," Vala agreed, "I _did_ think that the kohl was a little bit of overkill at first, especially in _un homme d'un certain age_—"

"Hey!" Sheppard said, struggling to sit upright, then yelping and pulling the bedclothes up around his waist when he realised that, unlike Vala's, his clothes had not survived the shenanigans of the night before. "I am not of a certain _anything_—and how the hell do you know _French_?"

"Cable television can be very informative," Vala said blithely. "As can your internet web."

"You do not expect me to believe," Sheppard said, trying to tie a sheet around his waist, "that someone like you spends your time sitting around the SGC using the internet to learn other languages."

"Nope," Vala said, pushing a stray lock of her hair behind her ear, "I mostly use it for shopping—did you know Daniel has lots of lovely things called credit cards? But I do also use it for independent socio-cultural research—by my calculations, you know, you're _much_ bendier than most Earth porn stars. And much more pleasingly hirsute. It makes for much better traction."

Sheppard made a little noise like a whimper in the back of his throat, and his eyes grew gratifyingly round. She could almost see his brain turning circles like a hamster on a wheel, as O'Neill put it, flipping between the opposing poles of an intrigued _bendy_? and an appalled _oh my god_. Vala grinned; Sheppard was almost too much fun to play with. She almost wished that she _had_ fucked him before they'd both passed out last night—he was certainly attractive, and there was potential for both pre- and post-coital teasing.

Actually, she thought, cocking her head, if she played her cards right, and Sheppard didn't remember what had happened before they got back to Atlantis, she might even be able to make that little McKay man turn an amusing puce with rage. Jealousy was a terrible affliction in a human male; inflicting it was always a great source of joy.

"Darling," she said, putting on her most vulnerable-seeming pout and running her foot along the inside of Sheppard's thigh, "do you mean it wasn't good for you, too?"

Sheppard made a noise that sounded quite like "Mmmfrgh" and flopped back against the straw-stuffed mattress, covering his face with a pillow.

"Don't worry about it," Vala said, going back to tackling a particularly bad hang-nail, "these things happen to every man now and then. I wouldn't let it weigh too heavily on your self esteem." She splayed her fingernails wide and inspected them one by one. Much better.

Sheppard flung the pillow off the bed, and stared at the ceiling with eyes open wide in horror. Vala tried not to snicker. He was almost _too_ easy. "Oh my god," he said flatly. "I have never—just—stop talking. Stop. No more words. Please."

Vala placed the flat of her hand against her chest and leaned away from him ever so slightly, as if he'd upset her. "Why John, darling—are you saying you only wanted me for my body?" she said; and, with accidental timing as perfect as any of her best cons, the door to the hotel suite opened and Ronon poked his head inside.

"Uh," Ronon said, and the blank look on his face slowly transformed into the most shit-eating of grins. "Okay. You guys want me to come back later?"

"Nonsense," Vala said, and patted the edge of the mattress next to her. "There's always room for one more. Why bother turning in a mission report that only requires Mr Woolsey to censor _part_ of it, hmm?"

Ronon blinked at her for a moment, then looked at Sheppard, who was still lying splayed on the bed. "Are there more women in your galaxy like her, Sheppard?"

Sheppard made a faint, low noise in the back of his throat that Vala chose not to interpret as _help_.

"Darling," she told Ronon, "I am really quite unique," and grinned.


End file.
